Father's Day is always a little bit confusing to me - emotionally. I am not a dad biologically even though I have had the good pleasure of helping to raise many people over the years because of my profession. Much joy has come to my wife and I from that - along with much pain - as it is with parenting. But being childless is not the only thing that confuses me on Father's Day.
I also had the good-pleasure of having two dads when I was growing up. My birth-dad and my mother split up when I was very young - less than a year old. My mother remarried when I was four. I remember being a ring-bearer in the wedding. In fact, my last name is that dad's name because he adopted me when I was in 2nd grade. My real name is Carlyle Snider.
For a variety of reasons, my adopted dad and I didn't not have a really good relationship. We didn't connect very deeply at all and were more like people who were traveling together. I felt more like a suitcase my mother had brought into the marriage - one that he tolerated being around. I later (years and years later) had to emotionally mature and realize my perspective on that was off and that he really did love me. He just had a complicated life with complicated demands. He had his own struggle with emotional intelligence - as did I. Unfortunately, he was violently killed when I was a freshman in college right when we were just beginning to make significant moves toward each other - our blooming relationship just got cut short.
My real father got invited into the picture when I was a sophomore in high school. We met at a hotel diner outside of Denver's airport when he had a 2 hour layover. I longed for that day all of my young life - to meet my "real" dad. Maybe he would love me the way I needed - longed - to be loved by a dad. To be honest, as our relationship slowly developed. I wasn't convinced that he loved me either.
That's why I would get confused on Father's Day - I had divided loyalties to two dads. One dead and one waiting for me to love and be loved by him.
Only recently have I been able to become emotionally intelligent about my two dads. As I discern and articulate my life with them, I have realized that this lack of love was really just a tale - one I had constructed. I have had to discern and articulate my emotion (parts of emotional intelligence) about their mostly innocent inability to meet needs that they were unable to meet - because of their own issues, their own situations, and even their own ignorance of me and what I was requiring from them so I could be more emotionally secure. The emotional ball was in my court. I had to take responsibility for my story. I had to believe truths and not tales.
The truth is - the truth I believe now - I was blessed to have two dads - one that loved me until he died too early and that other who still does and gets to show it regularly.
As you celebrate and remember Father's Day today, may this be a day where you believe truth more than tales!
I also had the good-pleasure of having two dads when I was growing up. My birth-dad and my mother split up when I was very young - less than a year old. My mother remarried when I was four. I remember being a ring-bearer in the wedding. In fact, my last name is that dad's name because he adopted me when I was in 2nd grade. My real name is Carlyle Snider.
For a variety of reasons, my adopted dad and I didn't not have a really good relationship. We didn't connect very deeply at all and were more like people who were traveling together. I felt more like a suitcase my mother had brought into the marriage - one that he tolerated being around. I later (years and years later) had to emotionally mature and realize my perspective on that was off and that he really did love me. He just had a complicated life with complicated demands. He had his own struggle with emotional intelligence - as did I. Unfortunately, he was violently killed when I was a freshman in college right when we were just beginning to make significant moves toward each other - our blooming relationship just got cut short.
That's why I would get confused on Father's Day - I had divided loyalties to two dads. One dead and one waiting for me to love and be loved by him.
Only recently have I been able to become emotionally intelligent about my two dads. As I discern and articulate my life with them, I have realized that this lack of love was really just a tale - one I had constructed. I have had to discern and articulate my emotion (parts of emotional intelligence) about their mostly innocent inability to meet needs that they were unable to meet - because of their own issues, their own situations, and even their own ignorance of me and what I was requiring from them so I could be more emotionally secure. The emotional ball was in my court. I had to take responsibility for my story. I had to believe truths and not tales.
The truth is - the truth I believe now - I was blessed to have two dads - one that loved me until he died too early and that other who still does and gets to show it regularly.
As you celebrate and remember Father's Day today, may this be a day where you believe truth more than tales!
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